Codependency is a very hot button for many therapists and non-therapists alike. Any time I have asked someone for inspiration on what my next blog is going to be about, several separate people have said that they would like me to write about codependent relationships. The word codependent can describe many different kinds of relationships–families, marriages, substance use, pornography use, gambling, and the list can go on. This blog will focus mainly on human-to-human codependency and interdependence.
Regarding human relationships (i.e. family relationships, marriages, partnerships, friendships, etc.), it is very important to start this piece by saying that as human beings, we depend on each other. We were born as attachment beings, and we are neurobiologically wired to be 100% dependent on human beings around us. Our very individualistic culture likes to pathologize and label people who are dependent in any kind of way. We are almost shamed for depending on others and not relying solely on ourselves, leading to the pandemic of hyper-independence (which will also be described in this article).
I am here both as a mental health professional and as a person to debunk the theory that we should depend only on ourselves.
There are, however, distinctive differences between what a healthy and an unhealthy relationship means. A codependent, or unhealthy relationship, can be hazardous to mental health as well as leave behind trauma. A healthy, or interdependent, relationship is ideally the most fulfilling kind of being that any person can have with themselves or another person. Below are the two different kinds of relationships explained in more depth as well as what hyper-independence looks like. I also provide a direction for people who are looking for less codependency and hyper-independence and form more interdependent relationships around them.
What is a codependent relationship?
A decent example of what codependency looks like is this: You grab your partner’s hand because of a stress trigger, and your partner happily reaches back for you. But you begin squeezing your partner to the point of inflicting pain on them. Due to your own anxiety, you continue squeezing your partner’s hand and have become oblivious to your partner’s painful experience. Your partner experiences the discomfort of their hand being squeezed, and they do not say anything because they feel they are being a good partner in this moment. This is a small snapshot of a codependent relationship. Everyone's pain is overlooked, and no one feels emotionally safe.
If someone is in a codependent relationship, their primary emotional and physical needs and the other person’s needs are completely overshadowed by the relationship. Neither person has room to advocate for their own needs, wants, or desires. There is very little room for growth or positive change to the relationship, and no one has an opportunity to grow in their own individual realities.
Codependency is closely linked to anxious/pre-occupied attachment styles, which John Bowlby characterized as a constant preoccupation that the relationship will end. Persons who are anxious and codependent are constantly in need of approval from their partners, friends, or family members. People with anxious attachment styles are more likely to be called “clingy” or “needy” which can overwhelm the person whom they are using to feel like their needs are getting met.
Below are more defining characteristics of a codependent relationship:
1) High threshold for abuse: If there is ongoing abuse within a relationship, it is likely to be a codependent one. Pain and abuse should never be an ongoing reality in a relationship.
2) An inability to say no: Folks stuck in codependent patterns feel that they are not able to say no to someone in the relationship.
3) Having a chameleon-like identity: Have you ever been in a relationship or situation where your identity depended on who was around you? This is a sure sign of codependency!
4) Personal interests or sense of self becomes secondary: A codependent relationship is known to overshadow both people involved, and in the process, their own individual needs (i.e. space, intimacy, emotional safety) are neglected.
5) Sense of powerlessness or imbalance within relationship: When codependency takes over a relationship, everyone involved feels unheard, unseen, and the power dynamic is extremely off-kilter. This can lead to a negative pattern defining the relationship.
What is hyper-independence?
Now that codependency has been more clearly understood, the other end of the relational spectrum is hyper-independence. This is most closely linked to Bowlby’s avoidant/dismissive attachment style. Hyper-independent and avoidant people are befitting of personality traits such as self-sufficient, self-reliant, cold, callous, aloof, and emotionally distant. Folks who are hyper-independent tend to feel that they have superseded the idea that they need healthy, loving partnerships.
Hyper-independent and avoidant people tend to have had parents who were sometimes present and other times not present at all. The words “I love you” were probably seldomly used in their household. They also have an aversion to emotional closeness, and they are very likely to experience “vulnerability hangovers” on the rare chance that they let their walls down and be vulnerable (It is important to know that none of us are immune to vulnerability hangovers, regardless of our attachment styles!).
Just as codependency is hazardous to mental health, hyper-independence is also quite damaging to our psyche. Humans who have fallen into this category are less likely to experience joyful and intimate closeness within friendships and romantic partnerships. Because of the over-reliance on being “a strong independent person who doesn’t need someone to complete them”, we have become a hyper-independent culture. We have been taught through social media and other societal influences to rely solely on ourselves, neglecting the love and community around us. And as mentioned previously, human beings were born completely dependent on their caregivers, their friends, and their partners.
Further signs of hyper-independence:
1) Avoiding others’ intense emotions around them: Hyper-independent or avoidantly attached people to tend to find difficulty comforting those around them who are crying, anxious, angry, or scared.
2) Abruptly ending relationships or friendships: People who are hyper-independent are known to end relationships with friends, partners, or family members to avoid vulnerability or showing that they have been hurt.
3) Rarely or never asking for help: It goes without saying that someone who is overly independent has a hard time with reaching for help from others in their relationships, family, or community
4) Favoring personal freedom over partnerships or marriage: We all have that one friend or family member whose trauma response is considering themselves “Not the marrying kind”. In actuality, everyone needs (and is worthy of) love!
5) Severe difficulty showing vulnerability or emotion: Persons who are hyper-independent tend to avoid displaying any “negative” primary emotions (sadness, disgust, fear, surprise) for fear of being perceived as “weak” or “unable to do it all themselves”.
What is an interdependent relationship?
All codependency and hyper-independence aside, the ideal kind of relationship that I hope to get all of my clients heading toward is interdependence. I adore interdependence because it normalizes the notion of dependence on each other. By even writing this blog, I intend to normalize the need to rely and depend upon our partners, our friends, our families, our chosen families, and our surrounding communities.
Healthy, interdependent relationships are characterized by both people in the relationship having mutual respect for each other’s needs, wants, desires, and personal interests. Each person understands the other’s differences in beliefs, experiences, and preferences. The relationship does not define both people involved, but instead it joins them together in a healthy, cooperative way.
This does not mean that interdependent relationships are 100% devoid of codependency or hyper-independence. Everyone has their raw spots and trauma wounds, and everyone has relational trauma. Just because there are two people in a healthy, interdependent relationship does not mean that it is free of arguing, conflict, or avoidant behavior. It is more about how both people in the relationship heal from a triggered wound. Interdependent relationships are able to view conflict as a temporary state of heightened emotions and are able to view it objectively. Interdependent persons take conflict within their relationships as a learning opportunity.
Interdependence is also closely linked to Bowlby’s secure attachment style, which is often seen as the “model relationship”. Secure attachment as well as interdependent relationships have several common themes that are listed below:
1) Emotional intelligence: securely attached and interdependent people are able to understand their emotions as well as advocate for their own emotional needs. An example of emotional intelligence would be on my Instagram.
2) Ability to open up and be vulnerable in front of others: interdependent people with secure attachment have minimal issues when it comes to trusting those around them; the idea of trusting others is not linked heavily to a traumatic memory.
3) Understanding own needs: People in interdependent relationships are able to get in touch with their own needs as well as have the skills to advocate for them in their partnerships or families.
4) Healthy view of self: Securely attached people typically use the same voice when talking to themselves as they would with other people around them, and this is common in individuals with interdependent patterns.
5) Having trusting, long-term relationships: More often than not, interdependent and securely attached folks are more likely to stay in longer relationships.
A flight toward interdependence
While reading this, have you noticed that you might be in a codependent, anxiously attached relationship? Have you realized that you might be avoidant of emotional closeness or vulnerability? Or did this article re-affirm that you and your partner have an overall healthy, mutually dependent partnership?
If on the off-chance that you are struggling with finding a healthy, secure bond either with a partner or within your family, I’m here to tell my readers: Everyone is capable of safe, healthy relationships. And this could mean healing an unhealthy, codependent relationship, soothing your past trauma to make you less avoidant of love, or finding a new relationship that is completely unlike your past unhealthy ones!
Regarding something so vulnerable, delicate, and complex as healing relationships (or healing our perspectives of them), finding a therapist specializing in relationships is key! If you are in Texas and are wanting to work on healing a potentially codependent relationship, healing your need to avoid vulnerability or closeness, or are wanting to work on keeping your relationship with a partner or family in a healthy, interdependent place, check out my website and book a session with me now!
If you have already found a therapist or feel that you are not ready for relational counseling, below are several books relating to codependency, hyper-independence, and attachment styles:
1) “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment” by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Feller
2) “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson
3) “Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal and Transform Your Life” by Kristin Snowden
4) “Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Partnerships” by Dr. Sue Johnson
5) “The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships” by Dr. Diane Heller
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